The F Word

My Mother is an English teacher. She holds a Master's Degree in English and taught English/Language for almost 30-years. 

Growing-up with a Mother like that was like living in the English part of the ACT. 

And, as you can tell by the way I am always starting sentences with "And," very little of her enthusiasm or acumen for the English language rubbed off on me. She would KILL ME if she saw this blog. Me, using commas like I am getting paid for each one. Surely Al Gore should ground me from all Internet privileges. 

Based on all the years of her grammatical tyranny, if you ever want to see REAL fear in my face, ask me something like "Katie, who was there with you?" 

Oh no. 

It is the "Me and Her" vs. "She/her and I" dilemma that I will never understand. Let me name everyone first and then I'll say "and I was also there."  Just last year at Thanksgiving,  I said "Me and Wade are going to have white wine." Without taking a breath, she asked "Who is having white wine, Katie?" And before I wet my pants, I said "Wade would like white wine. I would also like white wine. We both would like white wine."  (Please do not try to teach me this concept. This is the English version of fractions. I do not have the mental bandwidth for a concept this abstract.)

Those were just the small infractions. Using phrases like "...and stuff" or "well, you know" were grounds for long grammatical refresher courses and scoldings. But if there was one major, the BIG DADDY, the mother of all my Mother's improper English hatred, it was....

The F word.

Not that one.

The other one. 

Fart. 

Harvard could have asked us to participate in a groundbreaking study for the sake of mankind but had it been called "Harvard Medical Information on Farts," my Mom would have taken a hard pass. 

We did not speak of farts or tell fart jokes. Had we just spontaneously combusted from gaseous pressure, she would have praised us. 

No. To her, farts are the root of all evil. Last year I told my Mother I had run into a friend of mine from elementary school who told me he was getting divorced. 

My Mother said, "It doesn't surprise me. He grew-up in a home where he was allowed to say the f-word."  

Which I am sure  is exactly what the judge listed as the cause of divorce: Excessive fart talk. 

But her instance on steering clear of that word stuck with me. 

Growing-up with a Mother who hated fart talk and a younger brother who loved it, I was in a real juxtaposition. I lived in a constant state of church giggles. So when Bee arrived, I swore that we would not be a family that said "fart." I mean, I didn't want her to wind up divorced, after all.  But being around kids in so many different capacities, I have recently been SHOCKED at how many books, movies, shows, songs and apps are all directly related to farts. 

Has my Mother been right all along? (I desperately need that answer to be an emphatic "No!")

In her defense, is there no other material we can cover? Have we reached the apex of topics for children's books? It is my life's dream to pen a children's book and every time I think I have the perfect idea, it currently exists. I'm looking at you, Potter. 

Are we so overpopulated on material that the last bastion is farts? I mean, even as I type it out, it kind of makes sense for 2020, but are we this low brow? 

We are. 

While trying to buy a book for a friend's kiddo, I started getting some shady suggestions. I had been looking for children's books on anxiety and was casually routed to books about farts. And when I actively searched for "children's books about farts" I was met with pages of results. 

Since I had to suffer through, I give you these future Caldecott winners. The next generation Newberry books. You can find all of these on Amazon. Or at Barnes and Noble probably next to To Kill a Mockingbird.

And if I take a break for a while, it is because I am desperately trying to pen the next flatulent tome for children. 

Without my Mother knowing, of course. 

Just in time for the holidays... a farting reindeer. 

Not to be confused with the one with the light-up nose.  

What is the medical plan at the North Pole

 like that these animals are not better cared for?

Should we contact PETA?

This book is #1 on Amazon in Children's Cartoon Humor books. 

If you value a society of morals and decency, do not click to search that category. 

And to get you prepped for Fritz and his nasty smelling holiday cheer,

 is Taylor the Tooting Turkey. 

Serisouly, doesn't Thanksgiving promote enough conversations about overindulgence and indigestion/passing gas by design?

 I don't know about you, but the idea of Taylor tooting just before he hits the oven makes me lose my entire appetite for turkey. 

Is it nervous tooting? Surely it is?  Isn't that a whole secondary discussion on fear of death and bowel evacuation? 

Sorry, my Thanksgiving is not that existential. 

This book is a #1 on Amazon in Fiction Satire. 

You know, like how kids are always bugging you to read them a satirical book. 

My beloved Grandfather's name was Walter so I IMMEDIATELY took umbrage with this gem. 

Someone actually gifted Bee this book as a toddler. Of course, I read it to her because that is just good manners. Spoiler alert, the dog's gas prevents a B&E in the family home. Yes. Dog farts thwarted burglars.  You want my child  to believe that if someone breaks in my home while I am there, they will be stymied by a dog fart? I have had beagles for the last 20-years. 

If that were a possibility, we would know it. 

Also, COMPLETE missed opportunity on my part to write this book. Beagle farts can take the paint of the wall. Or worse. But how many of you would refer to me as your friend, the New York Times bestselling author of a book about dog farts and the war on crime?

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day...

sit down. 

There is a new adjective laden book in town and it is of course, about farts. 

Poor Alexander just wanted cool shoes and a trip to Australia. 

This Bart looks like a real ass hat.

Oh, but his name RHYMES with Fart. 

That is where Alexander missed his mark. He should have had a name that rhymed with Day. Jay. Jay and the Terrible, Horrible No Good, Very Bad Day. 

Dear Pulitzer Committee...

I guess since Fritz the Farting Reindeer was spoken for, Freddie was the next obvious choice for a character having a gassy winter. 

What is happening here? Did he fart so intensely he blew his own head off? 

Haven't snowmen suffered enough? 

Did Frosty melt so Freddie could fart? 

This book is listed for Children and Adults as a funny read about Snowmen toots and farts. 

Like how we are always talking about how there aren't enough books for 

Kids AND Adults about Snowman farts. 

This book is #1 in Limericks in Humorous Verse. 

For those of you who didn't major in Limericks and Humorous Verse in undergrad. 

Oh, good! A compilation. Finally. 

Taking the alphabet and setting it to farting animals. 

Just top-of-my-head, I can only think of like 1 animal that starts with F. 

And it is Frog, which I am certain is an amphibian and therefore not an animal? 

Has Fox News fact checked this book? 

You know what else F is for? Firetruck, fun, French fries, freedom and f&ck you to the 

authors of this book for making us talk to kids about farting animals THIS much. 

Please note the clever nom de plum the author's used. Mr. and Mrs. Smelt/Delt It. 

Of the Hyannis Smelt/Delt It's, no doubt. 

This book is #1 in Comic and Graphic Novels. 

Aren't comic books enough of a problem? 

Another clever pen name... Stinky McToots. 

Irish? Scottish?

Have children's fart books gone international? 

Oh, good. Because I sure wouldn't want all those kids in other countries who 

are eating our test scores for lunch to miss out on the fart joke fun. 

America!

Sub Genres. 

SUB GENRES. 

The "demand" for Children's Literature re:breaking wind is so requested we had 

to break it down to sub genres? 

I am sorry, but even porn sites are not this genre specific. 

This book is a #1 Best Seller with no accreditation. 

Just "The #1 Bestseller." 

And remember, you read that on "The #1 Best Blog." 

Ok, this is a series of sub genre. 

This J.B O'Neil is covering all the bases. 

Probably from a billion dollar home in Los Angeles. 

Like how I write this blog from my bed. 

And again, not to belabor the point, but dog farts are a REAL issue in society. 

It is kind of what they are known for. 

You want to write a real book on dog farts? Write about the atrocities dogs have suffered for millennia being accused by humans of farts they did not, in fact, expel. OMG. 

Someone please get Reese or Oprah to put a sticker on that and sell it at Target.

Just in time for Christmas. 

A farting angel. 

A cherubic intermediate between God and man. 

I wonder if he knows the one from the Bible. 

You know, the one that told us "Unto you, a child is born?" 

J.B O'Neil... 

Are you kidding me? 

Well, if you can't get enough, this is a serialized character called Milo Snotrocket. 

Farts and Snotrockets. 

In a meeting at a (probably) fancy publishing house, a literary agent read samples of 

Mr. O'Neill's work and was so moved, he/she said "We want them all! The dog, the ninja, and this Milo character. Pay him whatever he wants and get to writing!"

Somewhere, probably a square state, there is a kid reading this book that could be 

the President someday. Or NASA employee. 

And he/she will probably develop space travel via the efficiency of mucus or fart gas. 

This one is interactive. 

Because my guess is, kids who like to talk about farts are SUPER creative. 

And artfully expressive. 

50 people have paid $6.99 AMERICAN for this to be delivered to their homes. 

To date.

That is almost $350. 

People have paid almost $350 to color farts. A colorless gas. 

Are trolls not scary enough? 

Not the Justin Timberlake/Anna Kendrick ones, but definitely this one. 

He is just living under a bridge waiting to ask you three riddles to gain passage 

and fart on or around you? 

Is this something kids are interested in hearing about? 

No, I am asking. Because if so, clearly I am exploring the topics on which to write a children's book ALL wrong.  Is the formula more "take something scary but make it gassy?" 

Wow. Well, this is who and where we are now. So crack your knuckles and polish your nails for some serious "Pull My Finger" action with the kids in your life. 

I will be scrubbing this post from the Internet after you read it... I cannot risk having my Mother come into contact with this blog only to find that I have used the word or reference to fart with reckless abandon. No telling what kind of grounding that comes with for me and my blog. 

My blog and me? 

For my blog and then also, for me.